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     Dear Yaoi Fangirls,
          Listen, I need you to do me an enormous favor. Lay off the drugs for just, like, an hour. Yea, I’m talking to you—you with the ominous glitter in your eye! You with the suspicious grin! You with the notepad labeled “Yaoi Fic Ideas!” You with the “SemexSeme is Hot” t-shirt! (Hey… where’d you get that? Just… curious…) Enough already!
     Oh, no, I don’t mean to dissuade you entirely from writing Yaoi. We all have our dirty little hobbies. I, for instance, Dr. Gregory House, stay up until the wee hours of the morning watching internet porn. My favorite one, actually, has four girls all going at it at once. I believe you call that “Yuri.” I also happen to know that, despite what her kind and gentle exterior might make you think, Cameron tortures puppies in her free time. Sickening, isn’t it?
     All I’m asking is that you stop writing those fanfics about </i>me. Specifically the ones in which I’m having sex. Specifically the ones in which I’m having sex with Dr. Wilson. Specifically the ones in which I’m having sex with Dr. Wilson, and I’m on the bottom. I mean, seriously, do I look like I take it from behind? Actually, don’t answer that. I’m not interested in your opinion. And frankly, you all scare the hell out of me.
     Now, you might be wondering why I’m asking such an unreasonable request of you, you perverts, you. Can you keep a secret? Can you tie a little string around your pinky finger so that you remember never to tell anyone? Alright, well, so long as Wilson never finds out the contents of this letter, I’ll tell you just why I want the madness to end.
     I love him.
     Yea, yea, shut the hell up.
     No, seriously, stop the damn fangirl squealing this instant.
     Anyway, allow me to explain. Try to hold onto your stomachs, because this is going to get pretty disgusting. It’ll probably sound like a yaoi fangirl wrote it, in fact, but that should in no way spark any sort of pride you may have. I mean it…
     As I was saying, I love Dr. James Wilson. He is brilliant, he is witty, he is compassionate. He has always, always, always, always, always, always, always been there for me, no matter what I’ve done or said to him. And, who am I kidding? He’s gorgeous.
     Besides, who else would put up with me for this long?
     So yes, I’ve fallen in love with my best friend. With the man who moves in with me every time his trophy wives give him the boot. With the man who I go to with all my problems. With the man who comes to me with all his problems, no matter how often I turn him away and tell him he’s an idiot if he thinks I care. With the man who technically lost his job for me. With the man who calls me his “friend” every chance he gets.
     He says it so often that I’m starting to get a little suspicious. I’ve realized that it must be because of one of two things. Either he’s trying to get me to figure out what “friendship” really is, or he’s suspicious of me. Maybe he’s trying to drill it into my skull that we won’t be more than friends. And that sucks for him, because I’ll never give up. I’ll chase him forever, if need be, even if I need to lie about my motives and express my love as indifference. It’s an art I’ve perfected—but still, I’m constantly nervous that he’s onto me.
     After all, I leave him a lot of hints. For instance, every time we play poker, I cheat. I don’t mean that I hide cards up my sleeves or anything—I mean that I distract him by talking about penises. I may have talked about my own once or twice, just to gauge his expression. Once I made a pointed suggestion about his penis. He turned red and Chase called me a fag. I whacked him with my cane when Wilson wasn’t looking and told him I’d dock his pay if he said it again. I think it went pretty well.
     I also tend to introduce myself as his lover whenever we’re in public. Oh, I love how annoyed he gets. The way his eyes round ever so slightly, and his mouth opens, and his face tenses up, and he turns away with a little hunch of his shoulders… Can you blame me? He’s irresistible.
     But lately, my dear Yaoi fangirls, I have been making… I guess we could call it… “progress.” He invited me over to his house for dinner last night—he’s single now, by the way (finally)—and I accepted. Hey, that’s step one, alright? Shut the hell up. Anyway, when I got there, I told him I’d worn my Sunday Best, just for him. He gave me that look that just exudes sexual prowess—you might call it “exasperation”—and said something about it being Saturday, but I wasn’t listening. I was drinking in the way his white shirt hugged his waist, wondering what he’d do if I told him flatly that I fantasize about fucking him every once in awhile. I think he’d think I’m kidding. I’m not.
     The night passed uneventfully—no, it did not happen the way it happens in 90% of your damn fanfiction. Yes, I’ve read them all. What do you think I do in my office all day? And so I can say with certainty that our dinner did not end up in sudden hot sex all over the table. By the way, fangirls, stop forgetting that I have a bum leg, alright? It won’t be miraculously cured, no matter how much you wish I could be healthy and able to have sex in any and all strange positions.
We had dinner, watched some television, and then I went home. Yes, we sat rather close together for two middle-aged, supposedly heterosexual men. But we were still pretty far apart for my tastes. We didn’t cast glances at each other and then start talking at the same time and embarrassedly smile. I didn’t slowly reach over and take his hand. He didn’t say anything that could be taken sexually and suddenly kiss me. Fantasies are fantasies, alright? If I have to accept it, then you have to accept it!
     But it was our dinner conversation that prompted the writing of this letter to all of you. He happened to mention that he’d been browsing the internet the other day—I told him he was scintillating and he said “House…” in that warning tone of his that I get stuck in brain for hours after he uses it. Well, he went on to tell me that he’d found an “interesting story” about us.
     My heart stopped, I kid you not. Tachycardia, at the very least. But even by my standards, it’s pretty gauche to die at someone else’s dinner table, so I just nodded really slowly as he told me that some crazy females out there were writing love stories about us.
     My first thought was “How many Vicodin do I need to take to put myself out of my misery?” My next thought was “Maybe those stories will influence him into confessing his love for me.” And finally, I was left with the ugly truth that, in the end, my dearest friend James Wilson can be rather thick.
     By the end of the night, I was neither dead nor lying on my back in his bed, contentedly smoking an aftermath cigarette while he curled up next to me, looking quite satisfied. By the end of the night, I was having sex with no one but myself. I didn’t even want to call for a hooker. I mean, what was the point? Every friggan hooker in this city knows who I am by now. I can’t just ask for a man this time, give my neighbor’s address, and hope they don’t put two and two together.
     That’s not the point. The point is that I’m afraid of Wilson seeing something he shouldn’t. I don’t want him to be scared away by your frighteningly detailed accounts of our sexual exploits. I would rather tell him myself that I want to plunge my manhood into him—I’d rather it didn’t come from the hands of a sixteen year old girl. All it takes is for him to stumble onto the wrong story—to actually read what’s being written—and he’ll become awkward and uncomfortable around me, and trust me, I will hold each and every one of you personally responsible.
     So do us all a favor.
     Write Chase/Foreman Yaoi instead.

                              Yours Truly,
                         Dr. Gregory House
New House fic! ^___^

"Dear Yaoi Fangirls" is a letter written by House to all the Yaoi fangirls out there. (No, this isn't a bash on fangirls--don't worry.)

Actually, this was originally supposed to be a Detective Conan fic, too, but I thought it worked better with this pairing, since... well... they're both ALWAYS old enough to have sex...?

Anyway... erm... ^^* Enjoy? :heart: :heart: :heart:

~Blacksky :star:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconvampeve-97:
vampeve-97 Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2013  Student
made my night... wait its 2:37 am... my morning?? fuck it.
Reply
:icon1deathgod:
1deathgod Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hahahahahahahahahaha! Where do you even come up with this sweetness?
Reply
:iconaddictedtopillz:
AddictedToPillz Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2011
LOL I LOLED SO HARD!!! Very well in character for this type of thing.
Reply
:iconbooklover47:
booklover47 Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
THEY HAVE CHASE/FOREMAN YAOI?!?!?! WOW!!! :iconlegaspplz:
Reply
:iconkaishinpuppy:
kaishinpuppy Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2011
*drinks soda evily* heheheheheheh >:3
Reply
:iconsentai-kaji:
Sentai-Kaji Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
this just made my day!
Reply
:iconyugiohwierdo01:
YuGiOhWierdo01 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2010
L.O.L. :rofl:
Reply
:iconlol-phail:
Lol-Phail Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2010
"Write Chase/Foreman Yaoi instead."
Made it just to great for words!
Reply
:iconpiccolaghi:
PiccolaGhI Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2010
this is bloody beautiful *ç*
great, yeah! all i can say XD
i love your way of writing by the way!
Reply
:iconaelitakel:
AelitaKel Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2010
:D
Reply
:icontwyla-amaya:
Twyla-Amaya Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
OMG nice one
I write Akatsuki hentai and occasionally yaoi and yuri
and the "Write Chase/Foreman Yaoi instead" just makes it priceless! props
Reply
:iconpurpledevil:
PurpleDevil Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Interesting..
"“SemexSeme is Hot” t-shirt! (Hey… where’d you get that? Just… curious…;) Enough already!"
Its quite amusing that u can tell what im wearing nirght now xD
Well if your wondering how i got it, i made it myself ...
And for this part; "Write Chase/Foreman Yaoi instead."
Ill try my best, just for you x3
Reply
:iconkittykilala:
kittykilala Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2009
So True . . .

However,

i m srry house, i cant do that but instead of u being wilson s bottom you can top chase ;)
Reply
:iconelvesrock:
elvesrock Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2009
I was watching House today and it was the one where there's the chick at the south pole. My mom is a wimp. At the slightest hint of blood she walks out of the room saying,"Katie don't watch this, it's too scary." But the funniest part was, she came back when they were all saying that House really liked the chick at the south pole. And she, who has seen like 1 and a half episodes of this show, said, "I thought House was gay?" XD
Reply
:iconglitter-blacksky:
Glitter-BlackSky Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2009
She's right. Your mother is a sage woman indeed :).

~Blacksky :star:
Reply
:iconelvesrock:
elvesrock Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2009
Yeah. I love my mom. She's into all sorts of stuff and takes classes all the time. I think she's now certified in massage therapy, esthetics, raikii, and hypno-therapy. That really has nothing to do with what we were talking about, though. But yeah, House is so gay... I feel really random now. -_-
Reply
:iconglitter-blacksky:
Glitter-BlackSky Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2009
Haha, that's awesome xD. Randomness is always fun :d, no worries~.

~Blacksky :star:
Reply
:iconelvesrock:
elvesrock Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2009
You don't really get on much, do you? XDDD It's been like a month since i wrote that comment.:)
Reply
Hidden by Owner
:iconemeraldwings-pearl:
emeraldwings-pearl Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2009
A;SNCIUAGWF;IKBJKSFSPIUF *seizures* ah I loved that! You captured House's personality perfectly. :3

"Once I made a pointed suggestion about his penis. He turned red and Chase called me a fag. I whacked him with my cane when Wilson wasn’t looking and told him I’d dock his pay if he said it again. I think it went pretty well." xDDDD I laughed SO hard at that. xD
Reply
:iconotakudolly:
OtakuDolly Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2009
You really did capture Houses personality in this. The love-love part, you even pulled that off! It was fun writing with his personality, right?
Reply
:iconiucalovely:
iucaLOVELY Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2008
Chase/Formean? AS IF! XD
as if anything could compare to House/Wilson!
ohmigod. very nice. too bad that no one's gonna listen...
Reply
:iconglitter-blacksky:
Glitter-BlackSky Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2008
Haha, right? Agreed, for sure.

~Blacksky :star:
Reply
:iconnekuyo:
Nekuyo Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2008
awww, it was starting out really annoying... then it just got hilarious and cute.

heeh!! "Write Chase/Foreman yaoi instead."
That bit was priceless.
Reply
:iconawesomewolf123:
awesomewolf123 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2008
freaken great!
Reply
:iconrobinbloom:
RobinBloom Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2008
Chase/Foreman would be kool. But I'll just stay with House/Wilson yaoi XD (sorreh Greg).

And haha yes indeed GothGirl. XD
Reply
:icongothgirlhatesyou:
GothGirlHatesYou Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2008
Wow House! I sure hope he doesn't find THIS! Gee i wonder what he would say to the whole "plunge my manhood into him" thing... huh lemme go ask!
Reply
:icondeviantjuliarose:
deviantjuliarose Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2008
wow im wathcing house right now and i didnt even know this letter was about that XD
Reply
:iconsatamoru:
Satamoru Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2008
The last sentence made me die. Oh dear god, House, your wit never ceizes to amaze. Chase/Foremon indeed..I can't even tell if I'm disgusted or interested in the posibilites...o_O;; Oh dear gods what have you done!?
Reply
:iconwerewolfpup:
werewolfpup Featured By Owner May 17, 2008
im sorry House i cant stop it
the squealing
its EVERYWHER

well its coming out my mouth at a high speed
Reply
:iconplatinumalchemist:
PlatinumAlchemist Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2008
Oh my, I need to go read some fanfiction.
Reply
:iconglitter-blacksky:
Glitter-BlackSky Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2008
Dr. House would be proud :3

~Blacksky :star:
Reply
:iconartisticxexpressions:
artisticXexpressions Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2008
VERY awesome!!!!! I love how you kept House's sarcastic attitude! :D

and this was amusing as hell, too. I applaud you GREATLY! :clap:
Reply
:icon9601041:
9601041 Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2008
wow. that was more than hilarious.
I believe that you haved captured what really lies within the mind of Dr. Gregory House...congrats! Now, don't get lost in it.
-lb
Reply
:iconinumaru12:
Inumaru12 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2008
XDDDD I've only watched house not even an handful of times and i still see it...and yes Mr.House, I did squeal and giggle. XDDD way to go...Hey if you had written this for Detective Conan, who would have the pairing be? just curious.
Reply
:iconglitter-blacksky:
Glitter-BlackSky Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2008
If I'd written it for Detective Conan, the pairing would've been Heiji/Conan, and the person writing the letter would've been Heiji, complaining about the age difference and impossibility and whatnot. But I think it turned out better with House xD

~Blacksky :star:
Reply
:iconmy-one-and-only:
My-One-And-Only Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2007   Writer
i love this..though personally i have seen no "House" yaoi of any kind on DA...not even a fanfic
Reply
:iconbohemiancloud:
BohemianCloud Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2007
I don't think I can watch House anymore without giggling...
HONESTLY! I never even THOUGHT of putting him in yaoi...
Reply
:iconnovernil:
novernil Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww.

He's right. Anybody would be freaked out by slash of themselves written by 16-year old girls. Bleh.

As much as I absolutely love the pairing... I've only ever read two H/W stories (or any House stories). And I've only written one that 'had' House and Wilson, but (like the show) there wasn't concrete proof that they were anything more than friends.

The reason for my non familiarity with House fic? ... Sixteen year old writers.

So yeah... Have House beat them up regardless... Please?
Reply
:iconluckgirl666:
luckgirl666 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2007
It was incredibly cute. You are an amazing writer, and I hope to see more of your work.
Reply
:iconmomolack21:
MomoLACK21 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2007
When I saw it in the preview I thought, "Ohh, another yaoi bashing. I got to see!" But when I read it i was pleasantly surprised! Anywho, great job! Twas very funny and cute! ^_^
Reply
:icontorimiu:
ToriMiu Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2007
Yay Blacksky-sama^^ I absolutely LOVED it. I don't even watch House^^ I had no idea who any of the characters were, but it was still awesome. You have a gift. The world will recognize it. Write a million books and send me a copy^^

Obsessed w/ Kakashi
ToriMiu
May Kakashi live forever...
Reply
:iconsabakuu:
sabakuu Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2007
Sadly, I have no idea who these guys are or were they are from...
But you whrite rather well, I would say. This art of yours had my attention to the last line, and to me, I see no big, ugly grammar mistakes. (but then again, my english is not way too great.)
I'd say this was a good piece of work.
Reply
:iconthetowersentry:
TheTowerSentry Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2007
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY!!!!!
NIIIIIIII!!!!!!
This was very amusing.
Excellently written as always.
I am going to have a book shelf full of all your works, hand signed by the Great Beacon herself.
Yaaaay!!
Reply
:icondorkanese:
dorkanese Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2007
Vastly amusing. :D I was wondering if it belonged in Satire until I got further down. ^___^
Reply
:iconprimuslune:
PrimusLune Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2007
This was so very, very amusing. At first I was wondering where this led to and it had a good ending. Well done, you get a high five.
Reply
:iconmaster0fmusic:
master0fmusic Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2007
-rofl- XD "Write Chase/Foreman Yaoi instead"

Wonderful. ^^ You captured his tone perfectly.
Reply
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